I really make vague entries?

I got propositioned quite a few days ago. I danced, skilfully around the subject matter, till I got questioned about my status. I announced to her that I was single, but not interested as always. My house-mate was within earshot, he strode over and pulled me over to the side. He began to question me and I ignored all his questions. He finally just asked when it happened, I was hesitant but I answered his question with “last Thursday.” It was surreal as I watched the dejection wash across his face. I can only imagine what I must have looked like for the past week. He started with his advice giving, which I cannot fault him for, he is after all a friend. He told me I needed to buy her flowers and attach a note saying how much I really do need her. While it sounds like a good idea, it was an option I had already thought about before hand. I explained to him, that she knows that I love her more than anything else. Truthfully, I do not see how flowers would be helpful. There is nothing they would show her, that she does not already know. Our relationship was complicated, and not in the negative ways. There just happened to be one hitch from the start, a problem neither of us could help. Do not presume that I would not want her back. I have never wanted anything more in my whole damn life. I do however have to be prepared for the possibility that she might not be returning to me. What I found a tad absurd was that no less than five minutes after telling me what to do about my situation, he mentions that I should “hook up” with this (not so) random chick. I could do naught but stare in disbelief. He kept asking why, I would not even bother with it, and I responded saying, “You find her appealing and wholesome, not me.” His verdict on that was that, I like to torture myself and what I need to do is find a buffer, whenever things went salty like they just had. “A buffer” he said. I repeat, “a buffer”. He wants me to sleep with someone else, to soften the blow before I get to the next woman or something along those lines. The fact that he could even begin to say something in that manner, made my brain begin to erupt. It was something that would not compute. I wanted to shiv my brain at the lunacy of his thoughts. In the end, I just walked away, there was nothing more I would let him say about the issue.

I joined a group of musicians two Saturdays ago. Pretty much most of my mornings after tea, paper and a couple of chapters, has been devoted to them. The amount of talent that drips off these people is insane. Two guitarists, two bassists and a drummer (who I used to work with). I am supposed to be vocals, with my backup being one of the bassists. It is disgusting how much talent they have. They put me to utter shame. I watched as they played covers flawlessly, down to every twang of the guitar. I cannot even begin to fathom why they would pick my shitty voice for a lead. I have not had a chance to see them freestyle their instruments, with the exception of the drummer. His skills are amazing. His skills can only be described as “sextastic”. I'm pretty damn sure this kid can go places if he chooses to. I guess I do know why they picked me. Despite my horrible voice (which is accentuated by the fact that we record all the tracks separately), after all the recording is done, I QY70 a couple of sequences here and there, and I a vocoder and modplug, to pretty much rip the the performance apart and rewrite it. I realize now, that my musical talent has always been in remaking and fiddling with music made by other people, ergo, remixing. I have no creative fires of my own when it comes to composing it.

I was supposed to attend a wedding on Saturday, instead I stayed at home and prostituted my gadgets around the house. I could not even begin to fathom being in an area in which a union was to take place. It has bad enough watching everything we owned get replaced by newer items she owns. That is not my problem though. I just could not bear to be around the event. I'm sure anyone in my shoes would have felt the same way. He returned a few hours later, a married man. I caught myself wondering if it would change his character in anyway. We shall see.

I have been told that my entries are rather vague. The only thing I can say is, take only what you understand.

Patience and Selfishness? Understood.

Literature is dead, but we all knew that already. My first book was rather disappointing. It was riddled with rehashing of every conventional story out there. It lacked any sense of creativity or finesse. I assume that every writer must strive to immerse the reader in their story. The goal I thought was to make at least one character have generally identifiable troubles or similarities. There is a problem when I read a book and all the characters are the same exact person, after exonerating their names from them. It does not stop there with pallid and green characters, the setting was what anyone would consider a desert of elucidation. Reading a book with seven plus identical characters, inside a white box or room, is absurdly boring. In my head everything took place in one room. It really makes me wonder how people get to publish such trash. It does not stop there though. I started to gander through another one of my new books. The one with the theories. It abhors me what people can get away with, in this day and age. The book was pretty much a paraphrasing of all Sigmund Freud's theories. It is shocking! A book that can be considered plagiarism in the lowest court of law and order, plagiarising from a crackpot buffoon. Monkey see, monkey do I guess is the anecdote I am looking for.

The gardening book is being a good read so far. I can imagine the cause being the fact that I am actually learning something. I have never wanted to grow something so much in my entire life. Perhaps I shall head to the nearest floricultural repository and pick up a flower pot of some sort. I hope that I can actually remember by the time this week is over. It would seem that gardening would be a facilitator in learning the process of patience. I know for a fact that I need more patience within my quintessence. One plant should be enough to begin my lesson on that issue.

My smoking has finally slowed down, I have smoked thirty cigarettes total, as opposed to my nearly 20 within the first twenty four hours. On coffee; I always thought buying coffee beans was a stupid idea, but the taste was beyond compare. Grinding your own coffee is definitely the way to go, it is well worth the time for what you get out of it. I am obviously the poster-child for unhealthy. Drinking coffee while smoking cigarettes. I need to get around to making myself some tea, but that will have to wait till the weekend. It takes me too long to make good tea. Much too long. Then again, I savour it. It is such an open ended drink, and half the reason I like it so much is the process of making it.

I have been making peace with myself on many issues. So many things I have realized that I simply need to let go. I do an absurdly good job burdening myself with matters that should not even begin to concern me. I always forget I have bigger issues to think about. Selfishness is what makes me worry about the little things. I am not the only person that I have been making peace with. I ran into one person who I simply shut down on. Granted, I had done nothing wrong, but I pointed no blame. I simply listed the ways I was wronged and peace was wrought from the lips of the other. It felt rather good to smile genuinely that time. I hope I can do that more often. This is where I cut short this post. Pardon the random disjointedness. I have just awakened and have a lot to do before I head to work, hence I am a bit rushed.

Exodus to an exile.

So here I am wondering what to do with myself have had this thing for so long. Livejournal has been where I posted all the updates I needed to do. Granted, I did not want to fill the place with emotional psycho babble. I posted everything I needed to say over there. I should transpose everything here, but probably not. Life has been hectic for me. I work the graveyard shift, which leaves me asleep for most of the day. When I return home, I climb in bed, roll over once, and it's time to go back to work. My relationship ended recently. Work is work, life is life. Everything lined up and juxtaposed (which by the way is still my favourite word), has put me back in a place I am all too familiar with. You know the place. It is that place little whinny people with shirts which are often six times to small and thick rimmed glasses go.

I managed to quit smoking. Cold turkey at that. I never thought I would see the day. I found myself without the need to put a Marlboro Red stick between my lips. Yesterday, on the journey to that place I go to make money on a nightly basis, I bought a pack of smokes. They were not Marlboro Reds though. I bought myself a pack of Marlboro Blend no. 27s. I seem to be working up a fit with it. It feels like I am playing some kind of catchup game with them. Less than twenty four hours in, I have seven sticks left. I need to purchase a carton soon. I do not plan on making it a permanent thing. My mental and emotional state has put me in a place were I tell myself I need them. I am counting them as I smoke them. Four hundred will be my limit, if I make it that far.

Moving to where I have moved has been both a blessing and a curse. I refuse to go into detail, but I am obviously very alive and managing to pull through the mess of life. I find that I have not really impugned myself or my goals in a while, but that is what this is all about is it not? I have cut all forms of outside social interaction with everyone I know. I have turned my house phone off. My electronic mail addresses have been set to extemporaneously delete all incoming mail. All instant messaging software have been shut down, and disabled from start up. Skype has been shut down as well. All my social Internet Relay Chat channels (ergo, channels with people I have known for over 7 years), have been closed. I have set all accounts I have for any massively multi-player on-line role playing game, to permanently away. I am pretty much cut off from all contact with anyone who knows anything about me. I guess the only way anyone I know will be able to contact me will be to show up at my abode, and even then, I might not be inclined to answer. I have relayed this decision with my house mate. I did not go into detail as to why, I just announced to him not to hand me the phone.

So here we are. Time for cogitation. Time to rearrange the colours and shapes in my head. I have almost everything I need for this. My music is ready to be played. Two hundred plus compact discs will not go to waste. I have got some gin. I have Martini mixes, I have rum. No, the goal is not to get overwrought with it. I have Colombian dark roast coffee, which I ran through a grinder myself at the local supermarket. I bought some earl grey and some chai tea as well. I have nine books which I purchased this morning as well. Five novels, two books on random theories that interest me, one cookbook (do not ask), and finally I bought a book on gardening. How effeminate of me. I do not see myself with a garden any time soon, however some things are nice to know.

Onward with my exodus and self exile. Let us see what kind of growth I can spur in myself. Let us bear witness and judge my future ameliorations and emotional stability. I pray that I can deal with myself through this moment. Life has brought me challenges that I have defeated time and time again. This time however, it is a challenge I want to triumph over, without defeating anything. Anything I can do to myself, that will not cause me to wallow in the self-pity that is inevitable will help me out immensely. I do not want to ever stop giving to the person I have been with the longest in this lifetime. I do not wish to stop sacrificing for the memories we have shared. I do not wish to give up on the dreams I made for us. I will not. I will live life though, we both shall. I shall remain as stalwart, solid, noble and gallant as always. It was intoxicating while it lasted.

Juxtaposed between landsdowne and catonsville

The prospect of moving has been on my mind as of recent... well for a long while. I must say though, I did not expect as much as I put myself into. I shall recount my adventures for you. Upon rising on Saturday morning (from a night of fiddling with video games), I hitched a ride with a friend on his way to practice. I dropped off at the closest truck rental place in my area. It sported a grand sign that spoke of when the gates would open. Sadly it must have been wrong. It said 7:00 am yet; it was 7:30 am with no one to be seen around. Somewhere around 9:00 am, some old oaf came lumbering down the lane and opened up. I walked in right behind him and as soon as he got behind the counter, I asked him. His reply left me aghast. “Oh we have no trucks to lease today.” Of course I thought that was insipidly stupid since it looked like 15 trucks were out there. “Well they are all reserved, call us around 4:30, we should have something back by then.”

I walked down the street to the Budget rental, which was supposed to be open as well… 10:00 am, and they were not open yet. I waited till 10:30. Which is when some woman came up and opened up. I got the same answer… “Reserved.” I traveled across Liberty Road to the public storage, which was actually open already! “Reserved.” I called a cab and stood around for two hours waiting for a cab. I had some old lady, her husband and their daughter to “entertain me.” I promptly pulled out my Nintendo DS and proceeded to launch Meteos into the sky. I almost felt sorry for ignoring the lady. Nice as she seemed, I mean she was really nice; I just could not bear to look at her. She had teeth that looked like she had bitten into a spoonful of golf balls, if such a thing were possible. They were all jagged and pointy looking like something that belonged in some sea dwelling creature’s mouth. I could only imagine what it would feel like if she decided to bite me.
My cab finally showed up somewhere around 12:45 pm. I was a bit glad it was one of my regulars. We journeyed to another Uhaul center, which was rather huge and had a fleet of trucks sitting behind the fence. “Reserved.” I gave up and when home. Anyone who had been up as long as I had been would have been too. I got home picked up the phone and started calling places. “Reserved!”
Somewhere along the line, one of my housemates to be called me and we talked for a bit. Then we talked about living arrangements. The conversation only seemed to end up pushing me unto the verge of anger, since things were being taken back. I remember saying, “I will only move in if… and I will gladly pay more…” That did not seem to be the case however. It almost felt like a game was being played.
Around 3:00 pm I stuck a compiled list in my pocket. I called the original place I went to, and was told they had exactly one truck to spare. My cab did not show up till 4:00 pm, which made me antsy. As soon as the cab showed up I called old lumberjack back. “Ok come on down.” I got there at 4:10 and they were closed. I was very much in the mood to hurl a brick at their window. I called the next place on my list and received a ‘Yea we have exactly one truck to spare!” I got my cabby to step on the gas. Got there in 7-10 minutes and they were closed. This pattern repeated seven more times. The last place I called had a clerk who had the balls to tell me the truth. “Dude, all the Uhauls in the Baltimore area are reserved… you will not find anything.” I gave up frustrated and went home. I had spent almost $100 in cab fares that day alone.I got home and thankfully I had beer and a person to ease my anger and keep me company. I do not remember when I passed out eventually, but I assume it was late.
Sunday morning I started calling places again. When I finally got one who claimed their truck was reserved but I could take it in 30 minutes if the person who reserved it did not show up. I proceeded to call mister brown belt. We got there at 11:30 am and waited till 12:00 while the gas station attendant filled out her paperwork. She finally turned to me and gave me paperwork to get a truck. Needless to say I was elated, I could finally move!
The old chain smoker that sat in the office with her, stepped out and pulled up a cargo van. I at once told them it was way to small. Then he pulled up the only truck they had… It was a 16 footer. I was expecting a 10 footer. I had never driven anything that huge before. My jaw dropped and the lady asked if I would be able to handle it. I almost choked on the lump in my throat as I attempted to swallow it and squeak out a barely audible “Yes.” I got in and it felt like a spaceship. I drove it and it moved like a boat… a boat that could pick up speed, but never turn. What hell had I gotten myself into?
I got the space shuttle to my place and got packing. Somewhere along the line two friends came over and helped me for a bit. I could not bear to be in the house one second longer. I packed as much as I could into the truck and flew down and around i695. I got to my new home, jettisoned my debris. I had help moving my things in. After moving all my things, we sat down to healthy servings of meat, bread pasta and more meat. I rolled over unto the floor stuffed and fell asleep five minutes into the movie they had popped in. I woke up towards the end. Cleaned up and flew the spaceship back to the port. I filled it up with gas, which cost me only $3 shockingly enough. I dropped the keys into the safety deposit box along with the memories of almost sideswiping some pinto and popping the curb on that roundabout in Catonsville.
I stopped by the old place and picked up some more things, which I’ll be doing on and off for the next month. I am glad to be out finally. Note to everyone, do not ever move around the first of the month, especially it is on a weekend, and more so if it is the Fourth of July weekend. All the trucks will be RESERVED!

Diazepam? No Thanks.

No sleep in a while. I spent yesterday morning and afternoon watching TV upstairs and not being able to sleep. It is always a great honor to be the host for insomnia. Working at my job, it is nigh impossible for a normal person not to fall asleep after it has all been said and done. Upon punching myself in yesterday afternoon, my eyes began to shut. My body decided that it was time for over seventy two hours of being awake, catch up with me. After the longest and most strenuous five minutes ever. I finally buy caffeine pills. I toss one down the hatch and chase it with a can of coke. Forty five minutes later I toss another one in. By 12:30 am I had used seven pills. I chased all but the first one down with black coffee, yet magically I was still sleepy. Two hours later, nine hours after my first pill, and another two pills and they all kicked in. I felt like I had just finished a hundred meter dash. Tired yet energized. My poor little heart was being tasked. I began to write at speeds that would make a piece of paper have nightmares about friction and fire. That was not enough though. I gained a headache, which felt like a video game controller rumbling in my head at the standard machine gun speeds. I soon figured out that I was yelling very often. Everything was doing a good job of agitating me. I knew at once I needed something to help me kill off or burn out all the damn caffeine. I took a beak and told Tim to give me thirty minutes. I headed out to the parking lot and ran suicides. Then I ran down to the gas station about half a mile away and bought myself some cigarettes. I smoked six of them back to back in hopes that the nicotine would calm me down some. Smart move on my part since I forgot nicotine is a stimulant. Talk about one hell of an unhealthy night. The irony? I refuse to take anything to fall asleep, but I'm taking shit to stay awake. Talk about hypocritical. I'll stick with my three cups of coffee a night thank you. I had cut down smoking to about three a day as well, even then only after meals. The headaches, gone, and my heart seems to have normalized itself. My brain is still running sixteen thousand angsty thoughts at once though. Lets see if I can fall asleep now.

Coming soon to a Stadium near me.

Slowly and surely.

I am a very busy man who lacks the time to do this often. I hope that anyone who had their hearts intent on reading my thoughts and opinions has given up by now. Fact is I have somewhere around 9 journals/blogs scattered all over the web.