Exodus to an exile.

So here I am wondering what to do with myself have had this thing for so long. Livejournal has been where I posted all the updates I needed to do. Granted, I did not want to fill the place with emotional psycho babble. I posted everything I needed to say over there. I should transpose everything here, but probably not. Life has been hectic for me. I work the graveyard shift, which leaves me asleep for most of the day. When I return home, I climb in bed, roll over once, and it's time to go back to work. My relationship ended recently. Work is work, life is life. Everything lined up and juxtaposed (which by the way is still my favourite word), has put me back in a place I am all too familiar with. You know the place. It is that place little whinny people with shirts which are often six times to small and thick rimmed glasses go.

I managed to quit smoking. Cold turkey at that. I never thought I would see the day. I found myself without the need to put a Marlboro Red stick between my lips. Yesterday, on the journey to that place I go to make money on a nightly basis, I bought a pack of smokes. They were not Marlboro Reds though. I bought myself a pack of Marlboro Blend no. 27s. I seem to be working up a fit with it. It feels like I am playing some kind of catchup game with them. Less than twenty four hours in, I have seven sticks left. I need to purchase a carton soon. I do not plan on making it a permanent thing. My mental and emotional state has put me in a place were I tell myself I need them. I am counting them as I smoke them. Four hundred will be my limit, if I make it that far.

Moving to where I have moved has been both a blessing and a curse. I refuse to go into detail, but I am obviously very alive and managing to pull through the mess of life. I find that I have not really impugned myself or my goals in a while, but that is what this is all about is it not? I have cut all forms of outside social interaction with everyone I know. I have turned my house phone off. My electronic mail addresses have been set to extemporaneously delete all incoming mail. All instant messaging software have been shut down, and disabled from start up. Skype has been shut down as well. All my social Internet Relay Chat channels (ergo, channels with people I have known for over 7 years), have been closed. I have set all accounts I have for any massively multi-player on-line role playing game, to permanently away. I am pretty much cut off from all contact with anyone who knows anything about me. I guess the only way anyone I know will be able to contact me will be to show up at my abode, and even then, I might not be inclined to answer. I have relayed this decision with my house mate. I did not go into detail as to why, I just announced to him not to hand me the phone.

So here we are. Time for cogitation. Time to rearrange the colours and shapes in my head. I have almost everything I need for this. My music is ready to be played. Two hundred plus compact discs will not go to waste. I have got some gin. I have Martini mixes, I have rum. No, the goal is not to get overwrought with it. I have Colombian dark roast coffee, which I ran through a grinder myself at the local supermarket. I bought some earl grey and some chai tea as well. I have nine books which I purchased this morning as well. Five novels, two books on random theories that interest me, one cookbook (do not ask), and finally I bought a book on gardening. How effeminate of me. I do not see myself with a garden any time soon, however some things are nice to know.

Onward with my exodus and self exile. Let us see what kind of growth I can spur in myself. Let us bear witness and judge my future ameliorations and emotional stability. I pray that I can deal with myself through this moment. Life has brought me challenges that I have defeated time and time again. This time however, it is a challenge I want to triumph over, without defeating anything. Anything I can do to myself, that will not cause me to wallow in the self-pity that is inevitable will help me out immensely. I do not want to ever stop giving to the person I have been with the longest in this lifetime. I do not wish to stop sacrificing for the memories we have shared. I do not wish to give up on the dreams I made for us. I will not. I will live life though, we both shall. I shall remain as stalwart, solid, noble and gallant as always. It was intoxicating while it lasted.